how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
