You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Randomize
