Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
