oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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