You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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