Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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