whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
