Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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