Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
