I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
