Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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