I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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