Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
