Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
