The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
