I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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