Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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