Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
