I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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