I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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