No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize