i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
