My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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