Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
