WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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