i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
