She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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