I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
