my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
