he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Your cock deserves a montage
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize