My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
