It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
