For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
