She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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