____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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