OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
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