I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
