i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
