I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
