so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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