LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
