I'm jealous of your bromance
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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