he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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