The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
