Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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