I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
