i think i have two assholes
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Oh god it's open bar.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
