I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You can't just leave with hair like that
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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