Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I've blown a few things in my day
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
