New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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