I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
