I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
