I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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