If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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