i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
